Best Kept Secret

Since 2007, I have been openly speaking about my struggles with depression.  It has been a lifelong battle and quite destructive to my health over the last ten years or so.  I have been asked by many medical professionals over the years why I refused to talk about it with friends and family and those that would normally comprise a support group.  The truthful answer to that question is shame.  I love my family and friends; however, being raised in a somewhat old fashioned family, one was not allowed to “air” their dirty laundry.  To compound that challenge, I wasn’t always fortunate to attend a church with an open mind. 

One of my favorite quotes of all time is “Faith makes things possible…not easy.”  This is such a true statement and I have tried to apply it to every aspect and endeavor in my life.  Faith is about trusting in the unseen and realizing that God will deliver us from our pain and strife.  The scriptures clearly state in Revelation there will be no more tears in Heaven.  Peter writes in 1 Peter 4:12 that we should not be surprised that we suffer as Christians.  It is evident that we will feel emotional pain in this life and sometimes for various reasons it takes heavier tolls on one person than it does another.  During my young and impressionable years I was taught over and over in the church that Christians should never be weak in their faith.  Emotional problems were frowned upon and it was not seen as a medical issue.  This frustrated me then and still does that some Christians don’t understand depression is not a weakness in our faith in God. It is a chemical imbalance.  A person battling a mental illness can have just as much faith in the Father as the next.  I have found that through my illness I have grown closer to God.  I need Him more and feel more connected now that I worship in an open and loving congregation than I ever did when I was dodging fire and brimstone constantly.

When society looks down upon people who are “different” in any way, it is an injustice to the person suffering the illness and it is nothing more than judgment by the person or group of people establishing the stereotypes.  How ignorant is the person who lives in a glass house and throws stones?  Don’t we all have things about ourselves we wish we could improve or change?

As I look back at the many years I hid my pain and suffering I think it was really the worst kept secret of my life.  When colleagues see your Jekyl and Hyde behavior on a daily basis or loved ones find you crying in the dark for no apparent reason or friends wonder on any given day whether you will be on a high or a low; is there any doubt a problem exists?  Is there really a secret being kept?  If the secret is kept so you will avoid the judgment of others, when it kills you, will the avoiding the shame be worth the consequence paid?

As an advocate for emotional wellness, I strive to empower those who suffer depression and its related ailments.  Take control of your situation and who you are.  For those who would judge rather than reach out or support someone who faces struggles, I say the shame is on you.  For many years my own mother called my bipolar disease, “your other little problem.”  She begged me not to tell my grandmother or others that I was taking Prozac and Lithium.  It took me a long time to convince her that regardless of the fact that I am a man with testosterone and testicles, I do feel emotional pain.  I had to convince her and myself that it no longer mattered what people thought.  When a man goes so far as taking up mountain biking and instead of for the purpose of health, but  with the intention of riding off the side of Mt. Cheaha making his death look like an accident rather than suicide, it’s time for a wakeup call and the realization that judgmental people matter not!

I have been suffering a great deal in the last ten days or so.  It’s one of those rapid cycling phases I have to endure.  An acquaintance I have known for some 15 years passed away from an accidental overdose of pain killers.  She lost her job, then her husband, then her home.  I knew she was in bad shape emotionally and I kept thinking as one of our mutual friends gave me updates that I needed to reach out to her.  I needed to do something, but I never did.  I won’t make that mistake again with anyone I know, love, or even just hear about.  I pray for everyone out there who is struggling with a “best kept secret.”  Please don’t ignore your problem for fear of judgment.  Depression is no more a sign of weakness in faith than a person who overeats every day.  Stronger faith is certainly a step in the right direction just as with any illness.  In the letter to the Hebrews, chapter eleven, verse six says, “And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him.”

In addition to strengthening our faith and talking about our issues, medical help is necessary.  It doesn’t always have to mean the dreaded Prozac or other scripts.  The medical community is making great strides in treating the various mental and emotional illnesses.  The point is there is help in some form.  The hurt however, is being sedentary and feeling ashamed.  Take it from me, Rob Goodwin who spent much of his life worried to death, almost literally, about his reputation.  You just have to overlook the judgmental people, even family, friends, or brethren in Christ.  Even if your pain is so strong that you don’t love yourself enough to get help, think of those who might be wondering what could they have done after the fact, if something happens to you.  Like me, you will be surprised how many people already recognized there was a problem and that your best kept secret, wasn’t really a secret at all.

God bless us all.

Happy Mother's Day

This weekend the world comes together to celebrate one of God’s most wonderful creations, Mothers.  Women teach us so many things in life, but the most important is love.  I can remember as a child being in complete awe every time I looked at my mother.  There were plenty of times I was unhappy with her, but I never thought I could live without her.  Fortunately I still have her in my life today and to be as close to forty years old as I am, it is a blessing to still have her healthy and active and there when I need her.  We may not always see eye to eye on things, but she will always be my safety net, my biggest fan, and my strongest ally.

In my life, I have been touched by so many women in wonderful mother-figure roles.  My Mom had two sisters, Emily and Myrtle who played such an important role in my raising.  In our family, we sort of all just belonged to each other and it was okay for them to love me, cuddle me, spank me, whatever need be.  To this day, I can still turn to these women for anything.  They are a blessing from God.  I also had wonderful aunts on my Dad’s side of the family who spoiled me and did everything they could to make me feel special and talented.  Affectionately I called my Aunt Sylvia, Wormy.  It was a nickname given to her by her husband because she was so tiny.  I was probably 12 years old when I learned that wasn’t exactly her real name.  My Dad’s twin sisters, Irma and Barbara were so loving and beautiful.  They were both successful in their careers and are still working in their 70s today and proving that women are strong and enduring.

So many of my friends who are women are incredible examples of just how a mother should be.  Just a couple of weeks ago at church I was sitting behind the Brown family and I was looking at how Mason, one of my former Sunday School students was staring at his mother.  He was looking at Gina with such admiration and love.  It reminded me of a post she placed on Facebook one day about how she blew him a kiss on his way to the bus and he reached back and caught it.  The relationship that mothers have with their children is certainly a gift from God and meant to be cherished.  Mother’s know everything about us even before we know it ourselves.  Most mothers love unconditionally and without limitations.  One of my best friends’ Kim McFall has two sons.  They are the light of her life.  When she talks about them you can see how her entire life revolves around those two boys.  It’s uplifting that our Father has given us such love and examples in this life.  A mother’s love is like a symbol of eternity and a glimpse into what we have to look forward to in Heaven.  My oldest and dearest friend from school, Sherry Johnson Morgan has a young son named DJ.  He may very well be the luckiest young man alive.  Not because he is materially spoiled, but because he is adored and cherished by his mother and because she is determined to love him as God intended for her to.  Aimee Allen-Kirk swears she was placed on this earth simply to mother Aubrey.  Another friend Michelle, from Seattle spent most of her life as a single Mom and struggled to provide the best possible life for her two children.  She often tells me that she thinks they may never grow up, they are both in their twenties and still depending on her so much, but she sees that as her role to be there as long as needed.  I guess we never outgrow the need for our mothers.  As a grown man, I am drawn to special loving women in my church family.  My sisters in Christ, Nell McElroy and Jean Chappell have practically adopted me and I will take all the motherly love I can get.  In a world where there is so much stress and turmoil, to have the gentle comfort of a God-fearing woman in your corner is so reassuring.

When my Mom and biological father divorced, we were left poor and alone in a small four room mobile home.  My Mom was strong willed and determined to provide the best she could.  She worked in horrible conditions in cotton mills, etc. to make sure that I had everything I needed.  God blessed her with a second husband and me with a wonderful stepfather who changed our lives.  Even if he had not come along, I know that she wouldn’t have given up the hard fight she was fighting to make a good life for us.

My Mom and her sisters had perhaps the best example of a mother in Bertie Mae Cochran.  My beloved “Granny” as we affectionately called her was most certainly our grandmother, but she interacted in my siblings and cousin’s lives as if she were the direct parent.  She was the best example of unconditional Christian love that I have ever known.  I know this mother’s day many of you will be suffering as you miss your mothers, grandmothers, and other female figures in your lives who have gone on to be with Jesus.  I miss holding my Granny as well.  I miss the smell of her skin and hair and the sound of her voice.  The most important thing to remember is that God gave us mothers to teach us how to love and to appreciate that emotion.  He has promised us Heaven, so there will be no more tears or sorrow and we will know the reward of being reunited with these amazing women who shaped our lives.  Absence makes the heart grow stronger, and our hearts will certainly be filled with love and joy when we know that glorious reunion with the saints.

I commend the women of this world who serve as mothers to so many and who give of themselves selflessly so that we might all prosper in faith, happiness, and love.  The rose is one of the most beautiful flowers we will ever lay our eyes on.  A mother is like the prettiest rose in bloom.  You just want to look at it, hold it, take it in, and treasure it forever.  God bless women and mothers everywhere.  To all of you, Happy Mother’s Day and may you always be happy, healthy and in full bloom.

God Dwells In Faith, the devil deals in doubt...

It happens every time.  Right after something amazing and uplifting in my life, I tend to crash.  Does it ever happen to you?  You accomplish or experience something great that you have been waiting a long time for and then when it’s over you wonder what do you have to look forward to?  For a person who struggles with an emotional illness, this “cycling” is heightened. 

This weekend I was exchanging emails with one of my lifelong friends.  As a matter of fact she is probably known me longer than just about anyone and I would say probably knows me better.  Our relationship is one where she could finish my sentences and knows most of my secrets before I even think about telling her.  I confided in her that since my return from Mexico I was feeling down and out and not certain about some decisions I had made and basically just feeling like an underachiever.  She has seen this behavior from me numerous times and shared with me her own personal doubts.  She commented that she was continually doubting love, her appearance, her performance as a mother, wife, so on and so forth.  After dwelling on these things, I had a particularly rough Monday and then just when I needed Him, God’s shoulder appeared.

Just about every preacher I have ever known has told me that we all make the mistake of putting too much faith in man.  That’s probably an understatement.  It’s very common…we all definitely do that on a daily basis.  However, I got to thinking, is it faith in man…or is it doubt.  Does doubt in what we as men and women can accomplish outweigh our faith in what God can accomplish?  For me, that’s where I have been lacking lately.  I have faith in God and I express it on a daily basis and I share it with my colleagues, friends and loved ones, but while my faith may be apparent, my doubt in myself and others is creeping up to an all time high.  I have to break through this cloud in my head and let it really sink in that doubt contradicts faith.  You can’t believe that God will deliver you from a negative circumstance or turn your failures into successes, unless you realize that he uses man to do this.  I have spent so much time making sure I don’t trust anyone else or myself, that I have allowed doubt to succeed. 

Basically we have to realize that God is not going to hand us happiness in the form of cold hard cash, or a beach house in Key West, or a six foot blonde from Sweden. Desires we take to Him in prayer come about by the efforts we put forth in accomplishing these goals.  The people that we work with, play with, serve with, worship with, etc., are tools in this process also.  Therefore having faith in God means faith in His plan and no doubts must exist.  Easier said than done, right?  The only way to defeat the devil’s power over our lives is to utilize all the resources we have available to us to accomplish our goals and God’s plan.   The Father dwells in faith, the devil deals in doubt.  Stand with me, pray with me, the scripture says it all.  Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.”

On The Other Side

For years in my professional career I have heard leaders use the phrase “the grass is not always greener on the other side.”  This statement of course is often utilized with a disgruntled employee who is looking for something better at another job.  The quote is also applicable to marriages, friendships, churches, etc.  One place that I will say there are greener pastures is definitely on the other side of an emotional episode.  If you suffer or have ever suffered from depression, bipolar disorder or other emotional illnesses then you know exactly what I mean.

The symptoms of a manic episode are horrific.  A person is simply going about their day and something triggers a flood of negative emotions and before we know it, we are paralyzed with mental anguish.  It’s hard to articulate the feeling of depression to someone who has never truly felt a severe episode.  It is certainly one of the most out of control, helpless and hopeless feelings imaginable.  As I have gotten stronger over the years, I have been able to convince myself that life would be better as soon as the feeling passed.  In fact, when my serotonin levels increase and I pull out of a manic episode I almost condemn myself as silly or immature.  I used to always ask the question, what person, what man allows himself to be overwhelmed with despair?  It took a long time and several doctors before I understood the explanation of chemical imbalances.

An accurate diagnosis is often difficult with a depression patient.  Is it seasonal?  Is manic?  Bipolar I or Bipolar II?  We can complete all the questionnaires and surveys in the world still it takes time and trial and error to treat such a debilitating illness.  One of the most encouraging things my medical doctor has ever said to me is that “if this doesn’t work…something else will.”  I knew I was seeing a doctor who clearly understood the unpredictability of my illness when he said this, because it is ever changing.  The same rule applies to physical conditions like high blood pressure or cancer.  Your body becomes immune after a while and new treatment must be prescribed to generate the desired results.

Understanding that a manic episode was largely out of my control actually helped me to get a handle on dealing with the symptoms.  Now that I have a better understanding of the process and what happens to my mind and body during a “flare up” I can help with a better outcome.  The more I talk about it, write about it and engage with other’s who suffer from similar problems, the more I can handle my own.  If I could accomplish one thing by being open and honest about emotional struggles it would be to change the general population’s attitude from ashamed and embarrassed, to capable and optimistic about winning the fight. 

If you or someone you love suffers from any form of depression, I highly recommend taking every precaution and ever step to limit the length of a manic episode.  Utilize reaffirming statements like “I will be better on the other side of this.”  People say hindsight is 20/20 in a somewhat sarcastic tone as if there is nothing we can do about the past.  However, learning from what mistakes we have made in the past is the only way to limit our suffering in the future.  You can’t handle anything in this life alone.  Help is out there.  Sometimes we just have to seek it.  We start with God and He places the right people in our path to bring about the change we need.  Trust me…I have been there and now it feels great to be on the other side.

If I Knew Then What I know Now

I found a little inspiration to add another entry tonight from my friend Melody Jones Cook.  She posted a picture of herself and another close friend, Barry from high school.  The photo is probably twenty-three years old but it kind of seems like yesterday.  When we look at pictures of ourselves from days gone by, it’s pretty common to think “if I knew then what I know now.”

Kids can be cruel.  That’s another common phrase.  My fifteen year old nephew is struggling quite a bit right now trying to find a place to fit in and also with the common obstacles that young people encounter.  I see a wonderful group of teens in our youth group at church who also face those issues.  Over the last twenty years peer pressure has become unbearable for our young people.  I suffered a lot myself at the hand of a few bullies in school, but nothing compared to what kids endure today.  Austin, my nephew is hearing impaired and as a Freshman in high school has yet to experience a single year in his academic career where he hasn’t been tortured by classmates with jokes, ridicule, etc.  So many kids experience this every day, even those who are not classified as “special needs.”

Youth violence has gotten ridiculous in the school system.  Back in the late 1990’s I did a lot of volunteer work with prevention.  You would think the Columbine shooting and other tragic events would change people. Shootings have still occurred, children are committing suicide at alarming rates and all we seem to do is talk about it and say how sad it seems.  I want to see us DO SOMETHING about it.  It starts with putting the golden rule back in our school systems.  We should be teaching character education and holding “bullies” accountable.  I don’t make any excuses for Austin’s behavior when he is at fault and I encourage him not to retaliate or act out against other students and I would certainly like to see parents of bullies teach their children not to victimize others just because they are different.  Shame on society for putting so much pressure on young people to the point all they think about is looking perfect, being popular, and losing their innocence.

I keep telling Austin, when you become an adult, you will find the place you fit in and the bad things that happened at school will not matter anymore.  I wish that were true in every circumstance, but the experiences young people have can change them forever.  I am so fortunate to have loving and wonderful friends who have been in my life for more than thirty years and for the new friends I try to make every day.  Still, looking back, if I knew then what I know now, I would have been kinder, gentler, and more thoughtful of each of my classmates.  If we ever intend on breaking this negative pattern, we have to put our heads together and make the effort to stimulate change.  As taxpayers and parents we have the right to hold educators accountable.  Regardless of “tenure” and “we’re not babysitter” attitudes, educators need to be held accountable for every aspect of their job just like the rest of us who work for a living.  Performance is based on a wide range of factors.  In addition to holding the educators accountable to higher standards, we have to implement discipline and responsibility at home. 

I am an advocate for making this world a better place because it is what God expects of us.  Maturity is a powerful tool.  For those of you who fall into that category with me, we ought to use our resources to bring about the necessary change for the future of our children and our world.

If we knew then, what we know now…we just might have brought about change a little sooner.  For all my amazing friends…thanks for the inspiration.  Be well!!

For The Sake Of The Child

If you asked most people they will tell you society has progressed and that in the grand scheme of things we are all so much better off than people were in the good old days.  An example of social progression is high tech communication.  I am the first to admit that because of email, Facebook, Twitter, etc, I am able to keep in touch with the people I love.  Also, let’s face it where would we be without cell phones.  Given these advances in innovation, openness to accept all races, religions and ways of life equally, you would think there would be nothing to complain about.  Wrong!

When I write, it is apparent I am opinionated.  I used to believe that fiction would be my favorite topic to pen, but more recently I find myself taking the opportunity to stand on a literary soapbox.  My current ill will is toward absentee parents.  I have a nephew who is currently fighting for his sanity and his life.  There are so many “left behind” children born to a generation of narcissists and I fear it is getting worse.

In America we enjoy the freedoms of liberty.  The pursuit of happiness without persecution or interference from unwanted militant forces, is our right given by God and the men and women who fight for this great nation.  My problem is that we have taken advantage of the free will bestowed upon us to the point that we no longer understand the true meaning of responsibility.

As a thirty-eight year old unmarried man with no children, the world is my oyster.  My decisions and pursuits can only harm me.  My accountability is to myself, especially if my actions do not threaten humanity or break laws.  This gives me the right to say I made this choice.  I chose individual freedom and responsibility for only myself.  The decisions I make are none of anyone’s business.  However, when a person makes the decision to give life to another being…a child, they give up the right to place themselves number one.  I don’t understand men and women who bring children into this life and then refuse to care for them, support them financially, sacrifice their own happiness, etc.  I applaud the parents I know who place their children’s needs above their own; however, there are too many “Moms “ and “Dads” out there who are nothing more than sperm and egg donors.

I see grandparents from the generation before ours taking on the role of parent because recent generations want to “live their own life.”  God have mercy on those who abandon their children for the sake of pursuing their own personal joy.  Futile attempts at second childhoods and social lives that can’t be interrupted by the rearing of their own offspring.

I have been called out before by friends who say to me “you don’t know what it is like to be a parent.”  I may not, but I know what it is like to be abandoned by a biological parent.  I can relate to the empty feeling that a child who must rely on grandparents, aunts and uncles, and others to feel the void left by selfish and never maturing sperm and egg donors.

All children have special needs.  The most important thing a child has the right to is a fresh and safe start in life.  A child deserves to grow up with love, support, and yes, discipline from both parents.  For those of you who love your children unconditionally and place their needs above your own, many stars you will find in your crown.  For those of you who place your own needs above your child, God have mercy on you.  You are wasting something that you will never get back.  Shame on us as a society when we allow ignoramuses to be rewarded with high tax returns, discounted tuition, food stamps, low rent, and welfare in the name of the very children they neglect!  For shame!

It’s not passing judgment when we are simply stating the facts.  And I digress….

Strawberry Pretzel Salad

I had this wonderful desert for the first time while visiting my family in Hanceville, AL.  My Aunt Dene is a wonderful cook and she served it after Sunday dinner.  I did some research, and apparently it is a favorite among many.  After some mixing and matching, here is my recipe:

Ingredients needed:  Pretzel sticks, thawed Sliced Strawberries(at least 12-16 ounces), Strawberry Jello, Cream Cheese, Whip cream, sugar, and butter.

This recipe is for a large casserole dish.

1.        Place 1 bowl of pretzels (or adjust as needed) in a food processer and ground until you get the texture you desire.  I prefer a graham cracker like crust.

2.       Pour the ground pretzels into a mixing bowl and add 2 teaspoons of sugar and 3/4 cup of melted butter.  Mix thoroughly.  Place the mixture in the casserole pan and spread to cover the entire pan.  Bake the mixture for 8 minutes in a preheated 400 degree oven.

3.       While the pretzel crust is toasting, place 12 ounces of smooth cream cheese in the mixing bowl.  Add one regular container of cool whip and half a cup of sugar.  Use your mixer and whip the ingredients into a fluffy mixture.  Then refrigerate for about 15 minutes.

4.       Once the pretzel mixture is toasted, place on a cooling rack for about 15 minutes.

5.       Once the pretzel mixed has cooled and the cream cheese whip has chilled, cover the pretzel mix with your whip topping.  Spread it evenly across the top, there should be a good thick layer.

6.       Place your dish in the refrigerator for at least 30 minutes.

7.       After 30 minutes, boil or microwave your water for jello mix.  Read the boxes, but there should be about 2-3 cups of boiling water.  Add two boxes of strawberry jello and your thawed sliced strawberries.  Stir continually until completely mixed.  Pour the mixture over the top of the pretzels and cream whip.  Place back in the refrigerator for at least 8 hours to properly set.

8.       Serve cold and always place back in the refrigerator.  You’ll love it!!