Best Kept Secret

Since 2007, I have been openly speaking about my struggles with depression.  It has been a lifelong battle and quite destructive to my health over the last ten years or so.  I have been asked by many medical professionals over the years why I refused to talk about it with friends and family and those that would normally comprise a support group.  The truthful answer to that question is shame.  I love my family and friends; however, being raised in a somewhat old fashioned family, one was not allowed to “air” their dirty laundry.  To compound that challenge, I wasn’t always fortunate to attend a church with an open mind. 

One of my favorite quotes of all time is “Faith makes things possible…not easy.”  This is such a true statement and I have tried to apply it to every aspect and endeavor in my life.  Faith is about trusting in the unseen and realizing that God will deliver us from our pain and strife.  The scriptures clearly state in Revelation there will be no more tears in Heaven.  Peter writes in 1 Peter 4:12 that we should not be surprised that we suffer as Christians.  It is evident that we will feel emotional pain in this life and sometimes for various reasons it takes heavier tolls on one person than it does another.  During my young and impressionable years I was taught over and over in the church that Christians should never be weak in their faith.  Emotional problems were frowned upon and it was not seen as a medical issue.  This frustrated me then and still does that some Christians don’t understand depression is not a weakness in our faith in God. It is a chemical imbalance.  A person battling a mental illness can have just as much faith in the Father as the next.  I have found that through my illness I have grown closer to God.  I need Him more and feel more connected now that I worship in an open and loving congregation than I ever did when I was dodging fire and brimstone constantly.

When society looks down upon people who are “different” in any way, it is an injustice to the person suffering the illness and it is nothing more than judgment by the person or group of people establishing the stereotypes.  How ignorant is the person who lives in a glass house and throws stones?  Don’t we all have things about ourselves we wish we could improve or change?

As I look back at the many years I hid my pain and suffering I think it was really the worst kept secret of my life.  When colleagues see your Jekyl and Hyde behavior on a daily basis or loved ones find you crying in the dark for no apparent reason or friends wonder on any given day whether you will be on a high or a low; is there any doubt a problem exists?  Is there really a secret being kept?  If the secret is kept so you will avoid the judgment of others, when it kills you, will the avoiding the shame be worth the consequence paid?

As an advocate for emotional wellness, I strive to empower those who suffer depression and its related ailments.  Take control of your situation and who you are.  For those who would judge rather than reach out or support someone who faces struggles, I say the shame is on you.  For many years my own mother called my bipolar disease, “your other little problem.”  She begged me not to tell my grandmother or others that I was taking Prozac and Lithium.  It took me a long time to convince her that regardless of the fact that I am a man with testosterone and testicles, I do feel emotional pain.  I had to convince her and myself that it no longer mattered what people thought.  When a man goes so far as taking up mountain biking and instead of for the purpose of health, but  with the intention of riding off the side of Mt. Cheaha making his death look like an accident rather than suicide, it’s time for a wakeup call and the realization that judgmental people matter not!

I have been suffering a great deal in the last ten days or so.  It’s one of those rapid cycling phases I have to endure.  An acquaintance I have known for some 15 years passed away from an accidental overdose of pain killers.  She lost her job, then her husband, then her home.  I knew she was in bad shape emotionally and I kept thinking as one of our mutual friends gave me updates that I needed to reach out to her.  I needed to do something, but I never did.  I won’t make that mistake again with anyone I know, love, or even just hear about.  I pray for everyone out there who is struggling with a “best kept secret.”  Please don’t ignore your problem for fear of judgment.  Depression is no more a sign of weakness in faith than a person who overeats every day.  Stronger faith is certainly a step in the right direction just as with any illness.  In the letter to the Hebrews, chapter eleven, verse six says, “And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him.”

In addition to strengthening our faith and talking about our issues, medical help is necessary.  It doesn’t always have to mean the dreaded Prozac or other scripts.  The medical community is making great strides in treating the various mental and emotional illnesses.  The point is there is help in some form.  The hurt however, is being sedentary and feeling ashamed.  Take it from me, Rob Goodwin who spent much of his life worried to death, almost literally, about his reputation.  You just have to overlook the judgmental people, even family, friends, or brethren in Christ.  Even if your pain is so strong that you don’t love yourself enough to get help, think of those who might be wondering what could they have done after the fact, if something happens to you.  Like me, you will be surprised how many people already recognized there was a problem and that your best kept secret, wasn’t really a secret at all.

God bless us all.

Happy Mother's Day

This weekend the world comes together to celebrate one of God’s most wonderful creations, Mothers.  Women teach us so many things in life, but the most important is love.  I can remember as a child being in complete awe every time I looked at my mother.  There were plenty of times I was unhappy with her, but I never thought I could live without her.  Fortunately I still have her in my life today and to be as close to forty years old as I am, it is a blessing to still have her healthy and active and there when I need her.  We may not always see eye to eye on things, but she will always be my safety net, my biggest fan, and my strongest ally.

In my life, I have been touched by so many women in wonderful mother-figure roles.  My Mom had two sisters, Emily and Myrtle who played such an important role in my raising.  In our family, we sort of all just belonged to each other and it was okay for them to love me, cuddle me, spank me, whatever need be.  To this day, I can still turn to these women for anything.  They are a blessing from God.  I also had wonderful aunts on my Dad’s side of the family who spoiled me and did everything they could to make me feel special and talented.  Affectionately I called my Aunt Sylvia, Wormy.  It was a nickname given to her by her husband because she was so tiny.  I was probably 12 years old when I learned that wasn’t exactly her real name.  My Dad’s twin sisters, Irma and Barbara were so loving and beautiful.  They were both successful in their careers and are still working in their 70s today and proving that women are strong and enduring.

So many of my friends who are women are incredible examples of just how a mother should be.  Just a couple of weeks ago at church I was sitting behind the Brown family and I was looking at how Mason, one of my former Sunday School students was staring at his mother.  He was looking at Gina with such admiration and love.  It reminded me of a post she placed on Facebook one day about how she blew him a kiss on his way to the bus and he reached back and caught it.  The relationship that mothers have with their children is certainly a gift from God and meant to be cherished.  Mother’s know everything about us even before we know it ourselves.  Most mothers love unconditionally and without limitations.  One of my best friends’ Kim McFall has two sons.  They are the light of her life.  When she talks about them you can see how her entire life revolves around those two boys.  It’s uplifting that our Father has given us such love and examples in this life.  A mother’s love is like a symbol of eternity and a glimpse into what we have to look forward to in Heaven.  My oldest and dearest friend from school, Sherry Johnson Morgan has a young son named DJ.  He may very well be the luckiest young man alive.  Not because he is materially spoiled, but because he is adored and cherished by his mother and because she is determined to love him as God intended for her to.  Aimee Allen-Kirk swears she was placed on this earth simply to mother Aubrey.  Another friend Michelle, from Seattle spent most of her life as a single Mom and struggled to provide the best possible life for her two children.  She often tells me that she thinks they may never grow up, they are both in their twenties and still depending on her so much, but she sees that as her role to be there as long as needed.  I guess we never outgrow the need for our mothers.  As a grown man, I am drawn to special loving women in my church family.  My sisters in Christ, Nell McElroy and Jean Chappell have practically adopted me and I will take all the motherly love I can get.  In a world where there is so much stress and turmoil, to have the gentle comfort of a God-fearing woman in your corner is so reassuring.

When my Mom and biological father divorced, we were left poor and alone in a small four room mobile home.  My Mom was strong willed and determined to provide the best she could.  She worked in horrible conditions in cotton mills, etc. to make sure that I had everything I needed.  God blessed her with a second husband and me with a wonderful stepfather who changed our lives.  Even if he had not come along, I know that she wouldn’t have given up the hard fight she was fighting to make a good life for us.

My Mom and her sisters had perhaps the best example of a mother in Bertie Mae Cochran.  My beloved “Granny” as we affectionately called her was most certainly our grandmother, but she interacted in my siblings and cousin’s lives as if she were the direct parent.  She was the best example of unconditional Christian love that I have ever known.  I know this mother’s day many of you will be suffering as you miss your mothers, grandmothers, and other female figures in your lives who have gone on to be with Jesus.  I miss holding my Granny as well.  I miss the smell of her skin and hair and the sound of her voice.  The most important thing to remember is that God gave us mothers to teach us how to love and to appreciate that emotion.  He has promised us Heaven, so there will be no more tears or sorrow and we will know the reward of being reunited with these amazing women who shaped our lives.  Absence makes the heart grow stronger, and our hearts will certainly be filled with love and joy when we know that glorious reunion with the saints.

I commend the women of this world who serve as mothers to so many and who give of themselves selflessly so that we might all prosper in faith, happiness, and love.  The rose is one of the most beautiful flowers we will ever lay our eyes on.  A mother is like the prettiest rose in bloom.  You just want to look at it, hold it, take it in, and treasure it forever.  God bless women and mothers everywhere.  To all of you, Happy Mother’s Day and may you always be happy, healthy and in full bloom.